clearandstrong: ([Bleach] Momo: Hesitant)
[personal profile] clearandstrong
Title: Thoughts
Author: [livejournal.com profile] davyn
Fandom: Bleach
Characters: Hinamori Momo, Kira Izuru
Prompt: #46 Medication
Word Count: 1, 615
Rating: PG
Summary: Momo and Kira discuss a few hard truths.
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I do not own bleach.



Warning: my first time to write Kira. This could be entertaining, really.

Momo wasn’t particularly fond of all the time she had spent in the fourth division. She liked the fourth division itself. Captain Unohana was a kind and gentle captain and it was reflected in her division, but if she was honest with herself it was the kind and gentle spirit of the fourth division that had her clamoring to get out from behind its walls. It was painful.

There were a lot of different tactics that could be found in the fourth division when it came to taking care of the sick and injured. Each member of the division knew the human body and they took healing the sick and injured seriously. After the betrayal she had found a new appreciation for the quiet and gentle air in the division’s headquarters. She also… itched.

She had tried to hide this particular reaction. It wasn’t the fourth’s manner of doing things that had her so unsettled; it was just that the gentle smiles and soft words of its members and captains had her longing for her own Captain and that was a door best left shut for as long as possible. Hitsugaya’s and Captain Yamamoto’s reactions were all the evidence of that she needed. They didn’t believe her. She didn’t know what to believe herself.

Unohana (for all her efforts of hiding this reaction) had recommended several of her Shinigami for her to talk to. Giving her a list of people who were qualified to discuss this with her as well should she feel more comfortable talking to one of them. And even though Vice-Captain Koutetsu’s name had been on there she just couldn’t do it. She wasn’t sure if she would ever be ready to talk about it. She could barely whisper the words to herself at night when she knew that she was alone and safe. Talking to someone else, to admit her own weakness, and to the stain she knew she would never be able to scrub off? She was not that strong.

She found very little comfort in the knowledge that she wasn’t the only weak one.

Shuuhei had found comfort in talking with Captain Komamura. She was glad for him and the sight of them sitting and talking in the evenings had brought was both comforting and painful. If Shuuhei could find comfort in another captains presence why couldn’t she?

It had been that thought that had sent her seeking Kira. Kira who had followed Gin as blindly as she had followed Aizen. She was not the only pawn who had been used against those they cared for. He had sought her out just once to apologize for his part in the whole thing. Only then she had been still been weak and tired and hadn’t been able to think past the mind numbing exhaustion.

Still though, it was Kira and he was going through the same thing that she was.

She had hunted for him for an hour, content to simply walk around the third’s compound instead of searching for his reiatsu. It had taken longer but it gave her focus and she had been desperate for anything that gave her focus. She had found him on the third’s practice field, going through the steps that they had practiced so many times as students in the shinigami academy. It had been better then, Renji on her left and Kira on her right. They hadn’t been alone either.

She spent a few moments watching him wistfully. There wasn’t a whole lot she wouldn’t have given up to just go back to that time for one minute. Just one sunny afternoon on a field, sweating and training. They had been close then and she missed that. She missed a lot of things that had come and gone since she had entered the fifth division. Strange how she hadn’t noticed before Aizen had left her here.

It hadn’t taken her long to fall into step beside him, Tobiume firmly grasped in her hands. Whatever it was – sparing, venting, fighting - it had been therapeutic. She wasn’t afraid of hurting Kira, she knew his fighting style and so long as he kept his sword’s shika sealed they could battle each other fairly evenly. His height and weight outmatched hers but their kidou was almost even and she was quick.

They were both frustrated, both hurting, and neither were quite sure what would be considered an honest outlet to their pain or not. She didn’t bother trying to hold back, hitting hard, fast, and often. It wasn’t about style, grace, or committing anything to their muscles memory. It was an outlet and it was one she grasped as tightly as her grip on Tobiume. She hit, blocked, and threw whatever she thought of at him until her hands hurt from the force of the blows and her reiatsu waned from the constant use.

Still though, he watched her with the single minded determination and she couldn’t help but wonder if he had plastered Gin’s face over the top of her own. She couldn’t help but put Aizen’s over the top of his. It wasn’t until they were both sweating and shaking, almost to tired to stand, that they called it quits.

The settled on the roof of a nearby building, letting the cool night air wash over them. She flopped backwards and stared at the stars, almost to tired to even think. She had no idea how long they lay there, breathing hard and listening to the silence.

“Do you think about it?” She had expected one of them to talk at some point. She had come looking for Kira because… well she had almost hoped that he would start the conversation. Maybe if he did she could answer. If someone else admitted to needing someone else to talk she could get over the hang up that seemed to be running her life right then.

She nodded, fingers curling around the hilt of Tobiume again. “Every day,” she admitted. Sometimes she even dreamed that it was all just a cruel sick joke. Those were the nice dreams. The ones were her captain was waiting for her in the morning, a cup of hot tea on his desk and his ever present smile in place. The others were the ones where she woke panting and shaking in a cold sweat from the feel of Captain Aizen’s sword slipping through her again and again. Those were the bad ones. The ones were she found even her conviction that Gin was behind the whole thing, was the real perpetrator, slowly crumbling.

“Do you think there was something we could have done?” She broke the silence and he tensed just a bit beside her. She flinched to. That was the question that haunted her. Right along there with wanting to ask him what he had seen in his captain, but that wasn’t fair to either of them. She blamed Gin; she knew he had to blame Captain Aizen and she had to force down her temper at the thought. To long they had been loyal to their captains to have… this happen to them. It was a cruel cycle they could trap themselves in so quickly. It was just better to keep that question firmly tucked away where neither of them could slip.

Questions for Hitsugaya once she was brave enough to ask him as well. To see what ever truths it was that lay behind his eyes as well. She wasn’t there yet. Kira, she glanced up anxiously at him, was it.

“I don’t know,” he said, head tilting back so that he could glance up at the stars. “I like to think we could have.”

She nodded. Could they have saved their captains? Aizen from Gin? She glanced at him again hesitantly, Gin from Aizen? He didn’t know the answer to her question either. Even if he had wanted to tell her ‘no there was nothing we could have done’ he didn’t know. That was the cruel truth of their reality. They hadn’t been raw recruits who could be easily led astray. It had been their captains. Their Captains. She sighed and glanced down at her hands.

It was this, the element of uncertainty that kept her awake at night. All the what ifs in the world could be replayed in the dark when you were alone and couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t change anything, couldn’t go back and fix it, but she wanted to. Maybe that was her problem. Her inability to accept what had happened. To comprehend that her Captain really had stuck her like some hollow that had inconvenienced him. She couldn’t believe that. If she did… where would she stand?

“I wish we could have.” Because if they could have maybe they wouldn’t have been tossed around like little puppets and maybe they could have done something to stop whatever it was that had grown between Aizen and Gin… whoever had corrupt the other one. They were gone and that left them both with cruel realities that she wasn’t ready to face. No matter how she wanted to fight that, wanted to deny it, beg Captain Aizen to come back and take her with him… that couldn’t be changed. She just didn’t know what to do about it or how to fix herself. She blinked back the tears that threatened to spill.

“I know,” Kira said, “I know.”

Momo offered him a hesitant smile and went back to looking at the stars. Maybe… they could be strong together. Maybe they could make it. At least through tomorrow after that… well each day brought something new.

Maybe in time they could forgive themselves to.
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December 2010

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